Loss of Me
by Stella Anon
Summary: Beatrix reflects on her life, her service as the General of Alexandria and her relationship with Steiner. Set during game ending.


Loss of Me 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy IX. The passage below is borrowed from Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet

**Foreword:** Wow! My first romance fic! ^_^

Throughout the game, Beatrix had always intrigued me and I've often reflected about her character. I was listening to 'Loss of Me' which is Beatrix's theme and was suddenly inspired by the bitter sweetness of the music. It seemed to reflect her futile life despite her best efforts and I just had to write it down. I hope you enjoy reading it as have I enjoyed writing it.

_"If that they bent of love be honourable,_

The purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow

By one that I'll procure to come to thee,

Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite,

And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay,

And follow thee my lord throughout the world."

- Shakespeare, _Romeo & Juliet_

* * *

She is beautiful, my Queen is beautiful. Her beauty has captivated the hearts of so many men who long for the canary just out of their reach. Youth, grace, charm, innocence, beauty; she has them all. She is the pride of Alexandria; the young queen who has fought for the right to rule her kingdom - and earned it.

Even now she looks at me with uncertainty, asking silently for approval. She touches her dress nervously and I hasten give her my encouragement to put her fears to rest. Her inexperience makes her vulnerable and thus she leans on me to instruct her in the ways of a queen.

I am the General of the Alexandrian Army and have been so for many many years. For her sake, I fought her battles and won them. I pledged my life to her mother, the late Queen Brahne and to her. If ever the need arose, I would have given my life for her. She is my Queen and I am her faithful General. It is my duty.

But that is not why I willingly give my life and heart to my queen. There is another reason.

I was once like her.

* * * * * *

I was only seventeen when it happened. I was young, high-spirited and beautiful; a combination which had caused much anxiety to my parents. My mother despaired that I would never settle down and make a good match with a suitable man. My father disapproved of my impetuous ways and often reproved me for my restlessness. But I valued my freedom and I longed to fly out into the world, unshackled and unchained.

_He_ came then and he captured my heart. I loved him with all the fierce innocence of young love and he swore to me that his love was equal to mine if not more. He ignited a searing passion in me that I could not have thought possible and he saw that I was willing to do anything for him. Softly he whispered sweet words of love to me whilst planting the seeds of rebellion in me. Soon I was caught in his net of lies and blinded by my passion, I did not see it.

My parents pleaded with me to let him go and when I refused to listen, my father locked me up in my room. For four days and four nights, I was in despair and would not pay heed to my poor mother's petitions. My heart was broken and my blind fury slammed the door shut into my parents' face.

On the fifth day, I received a secret message from my lover. He had bribed the maid who had bore his letter to me and she was to aid us in my flight. That night, I climbed out the window and down the ivy vines that grew on the walls. He was waiting for me at the bottom and together we fled away from the only home I had ever known.

As we ran into the night, he poured out his love to me and told me of the suffering he went through without me. At the height of my excited emotions, I yielded to him and our passions knew no bounds then. The night remains etched in my memory forever but there is still more to it than that.

When dawn came, a pack of Fangs tracked down our scent and gave chase to us. Like the coward he was, my lover ran away and left me to fend for myself. Alone and helpless, I struck at them blindly in hopes that they would be frightened off. The leader of the pack sprang at me and with one swipe, he clawed my right eye away. I can hardly bear to relate the rest of the attack but I will say this, there is a trader out there whom I owe my life. It was he who heard my cries for help and rushed to my aid, driving off the ruthless Fangs away from me.

The kind trader brought me to the city and watched over me like a daughter. When I had regained my senses, I realized the folly of my actions and bitterly regretted my foolishness. I had been taken in by the words of a knave who had ravaged me then left me to the mercies of wild beasts. The trader offered to send me to my home but I refused to hear of it. I begged him to send word of my death instead so that they would never know of my shame and disgrace. Reluctantly he agreed and when I had recovered, I left his house and care.

At first, I was at a loss to know what to do but it was then that chance came my way. I enlisted into the Alexandrian military and became a soldier.

* * * * * *

There is little that I can say about my days as a young foot soldier. I was determined to make something out of my shattered life. Where love once reigned, a cold anger filled its place. But I kept a firm grip on my emotions and turned it to my prowess with the sword.

Soon my skill at the sword outranked my superiors and all who saw could not help but be impressed. To hide my disfigured though healed eye, I wore an eyepatch and it became my mask. My reputation as a master swordswoman attracted the attention of the General and she saw fit to raise me above my peers. I was sent on numerous missions as tests which could break the spirit of the heartiest soldier and often I was tempted to admit defeat. Only the taunts of my peers and the memory of my deceiving lover made me struggle on.

I rose steadily up the ranks of the Alexandrian army and six years after my humiliation and disgrace, I became the new Alexandrian General. By then my fame with the sword had spread throughout the continent and many came to challenge my skill. I cut them all down without the slightest show of mercy, taking pleasure in gaining victory over my contenders. It became my life and I thrived on the respect and admiration given to me.

It took only a little while before I felt the emptiness in my life.

* * * * * *

Queen Brahne began to hunger for power and I became her mindless pawn. One by one, they fell to her rule. Burmecia, Cleyra, Lindblum… but it was not enough. She desired to rule over the entire world and only one stood in her path.

Kuja.

It was he who first seduced my queen with his offers of unrivalled power and unchallenged strength. It was he who supplied her with the fearsome weapons of war, black mages. It was he who told her of the power of eidolons and the secret Alexander who was the greatest of them all. It was also he who made me realize at last what I had become, what Steiner had told me I had become. A general who thinks not of her wants but her queen's desires. A golem with no heart and no mind.

So like the black mages that he created.

She longed to destroy him and remove the only threat to her supremacy. In her lust for power, she turned on her own daughter and ordered her death. She ordered me, the General of Alexandria to murder the Princess of Alexandria. Mindlessly, I sought to comply.

It took a boy to realize the error of my ways. He screamed at me to remember my duties as a general, my duties to _her_. I had sworn to protect her, I could let no harm fall upon her.

I saved her life and the rest of their lives…

I had been a fool once; I would not be a fool again.

* * * * * *

Adelbert Steiner. He is no mystery to me. His actions were as predictable as the rising and setting of the sun. His blinded devotion was only rivaled by his undying bravery. A man whom few took seriously yet could not ignore.

He was nothing but a minor annoyance to me. He envied my position and zealously carried out his queen's orders to outdo me, unaware that he was nothing but another soulless minion to her. We loathed each other's presence but tolerated it for the sake of our charges. Secretly I coveted his role as Princess Garnet's knight and protector. She reminded me so much of my girlhood and I longed to protect her from the same evils that had befallen me. No one ever knew my true feelings for I kept them hidden in the deep recesses of my heart.

_'When the night sky wears the moon as it pendant, I shall await you at the dock.'_

When I first read his letter, it dawned upon me that perhaps he harbored feelings for me. I could not believe it at first, no man could fall in love with me but clearly he had. Hope sprang into my heart and feelings I had not felt for a long time reappeared.

He was waiting for me there when I went to the docks. His back was towards me and did not see me. With my heart in my throat, I called out to him softly. He turned and his face betrayed his surprise. But there was also an uncertainty in his eyes and it reached deep into my heart.

I drew closer to him, eager to prove to myself that it was no dream.

He came nearer as if to negate my doubts and fears.

Our bodies almost touching each other, we reached for the other hesitatingly…

…and we were discovered.

He looked into my eyes with embarrassment and hurriedly left, murmuring of neglected duties.

Later as we fought together against the monsters that threatened our Queen's life, he tried to tell me of the feelings in his heart. I would not believe him and urged him to put his heart into the fight. And so he did.

Steiner was saved and left to fulfill his duties to his charge. I…was left to protect Alexandria. He spoke no more of that night and we both continued on as faithful protectors to our kingdom as if nothing had ever happened.

I cannot bring myself to believe that he could possibly feel that way for me.

Perhaps it was all a dream……

* * * * * *

Today is my Queen's eighteenth birthday, a day of much celebration and rejoice. Alexandria is at peace and it was all thanks to her tireless efforts. She has become a great Queen and there is still more that she has yet to accomplish. She would need her faithful general to stand by her as a support she can count on.

Yet…I feel that my duty is complete. I will take my leave from my Queen and leave Alexandria to find my peace. To find something that will fill my empty heart and make my remaining days worthwhile.

Silently I entered her room. This is where I will say my farewells and relinquish my services. I lay down my sword on her table and stared at it wordlessly. Save the Queen…it has served me well.

A picture of Lord Byron on the wall caught my eye and I gazed at it in contemplation. A long time ago, I had loved his plays and remembered every line from my favorite works. Perhaps I could still remember them…

_I wish to live my life under the sky. At time I shall laugh, at other times cry. For no life is more insincere than that lived as a masquerade._

I could bear it no longer. I hastened my footsteps and left the room. I must leave the castle now.

"Beatrix!"

No, it could not be. It must not be.

"Where are you going?"

_O, love is the sweetest joy and the wildest woe!_

I did not turn but held my head high. "Please do not ask! My mind is already set."

"Wait! Listen to me! I uh…" He paused. Unwillingly, I turned to look at him and saw love in his eyes.

"I-I never wish to lose you again!"

_All I wish is to be by your side…_

"Steiner…" A sigh escaped my lips and hope rose in my breast. Desperately, I took hold of my emotions. I could not…would not show emotion…

"Let us protect the queen together."

The chains that bound my heart broke and I ran to the one who loved me. Tightly we embraced and tears fell from my eyes.

Perhaps now I have found my life's fulfillment.


End file.
